Hell – SoulSails

impoverished-child-on-streets

Screenshot from Dante's Inferno video game — Screenshot from Dante’s Inferno video game

I came into the world as an orphan from birth with nothing, no mother, no father, no love. I was traumatized and abused both. They said I was a highly sensitive child so maybe it impacted me more than someone else. I remember only fear and terror. I was suicidal a few times, but God stays close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit Psalm 34:18. Here is a poem I wrote about my experiences. Hope you enjoy. Praise God!!!

Spit Out Into Hell

Alone, wet, cold
Shivering into the wall,
I try to fade, pushing
Into the emptiness inside,
This, an unending terror.

I crouch, attempting to avoid
The inevitable. Knowing it
Will come. Survive, survive,
Gritting the teeth
Hanging on, hoping
reprieve will come
Someday.

Despair, hopelessness
dragging. So worthless,
I deserve only
this joyless existence?

Looking up I scream
someone explain this
Why?

Until a light breaks in,
A gentle presence
Fear brought no longer
a feather-soft presence
ever over my head
hidden, between us only
a thin veil of sky.

Feelings stir
Leaving Hope.
Do Not Give Up.
I AM here.

A Wind lifts
Releasing, removing pain.
Strong, a glowing light
Shines down into
my interior.

A living God, a living
Son.
Wonder of wonders
He wants Me!
Joy begins, grows
Becomes stronger
Passion and Praise flow.
New Life Is Created.

So if I can endure
So can You.
His life can exist
Inside of you.

Remember, loving He spread out
His arms
On a wooden beam.
Death juxtaposed on top of
LIFE!

Strange but I believe
Eternally True.
an answer to the
WHY.
HE can use anything, pain
sorrow
To bring you closer to
joy.
and in the darkness give you
Himself.

Screenshot from Dante’s Inferno video game

I started life as an orphan. My birth mother would not give me up for adoption so I was kept in the system sort of in limbo. My first home was an orphanage, but because I was not developing well I was then put into foster care. Before the age of two I was moved around at least 3 to 4 times. It was like being in hell. I felt like an unwanted piece of human garbage. I have known a total vacuum of love or lovelessness. Fear, pain and despair were the emotions I remember best.

I did later get adopted, but my adoptive mother did not quite know how to deal with a damaged child. She was an emotionally troubled person herself so I did not get the healing I needed. I carried over the same damage and emotional problems into my adulthood.

As problems came, and they come to all of us, I did not know how to deal with them very well at times. I felt very empty on the inside. I remember praying very deeply at times. God heard those prayers. I at one time had decided to fast for the first time in my life and did it to honor God’s goodness in my life. I don’t know why He decided to do what He did except out of the goodness of His heart.

The night of the fast I was suddenly awake in the middle of the night. The intense heat started at the top of my head and slowly went down until it engulfed my whole body. I lost all physical sensation. I was aware only of the beating of my heart. It lasted for about a few minutes and then slowly subsided until it was completely gone. I have never experienced anything like it ever again with any of my other fasting. I believe God touched me that night. Out of the kindness of his heart. I was going through a very dark time in my life. I feel He did it to encourage me when I needed it most.

In your darkest times, place yourself into the hands of the living God. He loves you more than anyone else ever will. Praise God!!!