Spit Out Into Hell


Screenshot from Dante's Inferno video game
Screenshot from Dante’s Inferno video game


I came into the world as an orphan from birth with nothing, no mother, no father, no love. I was traumatized and abused both. They said I was a highly sensitive child so maybe it impacted me more than someone else. I remember only fear and terror. I was suicidal a few times, but God stays close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit Psalm 34:18. Here is a poem I wrote about my experiences. Hope you enjoy. Praise God!!!

Spit Out Into Hell

Alone, wet, cold
Shivering into the wall,
I try to fade, pushing
Into the emptiness inside,
This, an unending terror.

I crouch, attempting to avoid
The inevitable. Knowing it
Will come. Survive, survive,
Gritting the teeth
Hanging on, hoping
reprieve will come

Despair, hopelessness
dragging. So worthless,
I deserve only
this joyless existence?

Looking up I scream
someone explain this

Until a light breaks in,
A gentle presence
Fear brought no longer
a feather-soft presence
ever over my head
hidden, between us only
a thin veil of sky.

Feelings stir
Leaving Hope.
Do Not Give Up.
I AM here.

A Wind lifts
Releasing, removing pain.
Strong, a glowing light
Shines down into
my interior.

A living God, a living
Wonder of wonders
He wants Me!
Joy begins, grows
Becomes stronger
Passion and Praise flow.
New Life Is Created.

So if I can endure
So can You.
His life can exist
Inside of you.

Remember, loving He spread out
His arms
On a wooden beam.
Death juxtaposed on top of

Strange but I believe
Eternally True.
an answer to the
HE can use anything, pain
To bring you closer to
and in the darkness give you

Hell and then a Touch


I started life as an orphan. My birth mother would not give me up for adoption so I was kept in the system sort of in limbo. My first home was an orphanage, but because I was not developing well I was then put into foster care. Before the age of two I was moved around at least 3 to 4 times. It was like being in hell. I felt like an unwanted piece of human garbage. I have known a total vacuum of love or lovelessness.  Fear, pain and despair were the emotions I remember best.

I did later get adopted, but my adoptive mother did not quite know how to deal with a damaged child. She was an emotionally troubled person herself so I did not get the healing I needed. I carried over the same damage and emotional problems into my adulthood.

As problems came, and they come to all of us, I did not know how to deal with them very well at times. I felt very empty on the inside. I remember praying very deeply at times. God heard those prayers. I at one time had decided to fast for the first time in my life and did it to honor God’s goodness in my life. I don’t know why He decided to do what He did except out of the goodness of His heart.

The night of the fast I was suddenly awake in the middle of the night. The intense heat started at the top of my head and slowly went down until it engulfed my whole body. I lost all physical sensation. I was aware only of the beating of my heart. It lasted for about a few minutes and then slowly subsided until it was completely gone. I have never experienced anything like it ever again with any of my other fasting. I believe God touched me that night. Out of the kindness of his heart. I was going through a very dark time in my life. I feel He did it to encourage me when I needed it most.

In your darkest times, place yourself into the hands of the living God. He loves you more than anyone else ever will. Praise God!!!